How exactly to Apply For an Academic Job and in addition Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

How exactly to Apply For an Academic Job and in addition Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Look out for job postings when you look at the places that are usual the Chronicle of Higher Education, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden when you look at the Vatican library. Pay attention that is particular jobs located close to the Tigris and Euphrates rivers when you look at the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads printed in Sumerian cuneiform is going into the “definitely apply” pile. Same is true of any job that gives to pay for you in livestock, grain, or small trinkets that are golden. If you’re not sure if a job suits you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name associated with school 666 times. If the mirror begins to bleed, you’re definitely regarding the right track.

  • outline major scholastic achievements, in reverse chronological order, recorded in the blood of a newly-slaughtered ram
  • place the finished document in an envelope, and then put the envelope in a 3,000-year-old Babylonian urn, that you simply should bury beneath the search committee chair’s office
  • make sure to include graduate transcripts, an academic writing sample, and a mummified goat fetus in order to make the job really stick out
  • List all the goods that are worldlygrain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you will be happy to sacrifice in order to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it could concern,” throw it in to the Dead Sea, and get willing to play the game that is waiting.

    Get up every morning and check the Academic Jobs Wiki. Then check to see should your bathtub is filled with blood. When it is, congratulations! This means the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Using the Babylonian urn you buried under the chair’s office as a portal from the netherworld to the plane of existence, he has infiltrated the essay writing campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you will watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a perfect circle, which will be a sign that you have already been offered a job interview (you will also receive a message about it). Continue reading “How exactly to Apply For an Academic Job and in addition Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu”

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